Yes, I’m a coward and a fool. I cheated on my wife of ten years many times that I lost count. We have one child together whom I love so much, but that’s just about it. I love our child, but I’m not in love with my wife. Ever since the very beginning, I have never fallen in love with her. We got married because it was a business arrangement sealed by our parents. Soon after our wedding, she had to get pregnant and there, we had our son. After that, our marriage went downhill.
In A Dilemma
“Couples’ expectations about what marriage should be like are completely off from the reality of what marriage is actually like” That is according to Dr. Chantal Gagnon PhD LMHC. I know my sob story won’t convince you that I am a good person. Cheaters are not decent people, right? If I didn’t really love her, I shouldn’t have married her, right? Well, in our family and traditions, love is not a priority. It’s about business and connections. My parents had an arranged marriage and lucky for them, they fell in love. But for us, no. I’ve been with this woman for ten years now and still, no sparks.
Do I care for her? Yes, I do. I care for her like a brother to a sister and a friend to a friend. She is the mother of my only child, for heaven’s sake. But I have become an infidel. I’m stuck in this marriage, and I am supposed to be committed to a woman with no romantic feelings from my end. I don’t even get turned on when I see her. Why? I don’t know. Maybe because I’m flawed, weak and a fool. “Something that is not gender specific but is worth mentioning is that in almost all cases of marital infidelity, something is wrong in the marriage. Either the husband or the wife is unhappy and likely both.” Katrina Bilhimer, Ma, LMHC was right when she said that.
Our friends, whose marriages were also arranged, keep on telling me that I should give it a go and try the “love” thing with her – who knows, we might fall in love. We never hit it off like that. I never gave her a chance, I guess. The last time we were intimate was a month after our wedding night, and I believe that was when I got her pregnant. That encounter was a nightmare for me.
I Had To Tell Her
One night, I went to her room – yes we have separate bedrooms – and I asked her if we could talk. She is a kind-hearted woman and a very loving mother. My guilt was eating up on me, and frankly, I needed a release. I had to tell her. She has the right to know. I don’t want her to waste time on me and stay with me for more years when I can offer her nothing. I finally told her that I am gay, and her reaction stunned me.
“I know.” She said that and smiled. “I know who you are from the start.”
“Why did you agree?” I said.
“It’s a daughter’s duty. And you are a good person. I know that.” She answered.
“How can I be good when I have committed a grave sin to you?” I asked.
“You mean, your men? I know about that too.” She said.
“Then, why are you still here with me?” I was shocked by her answers.
“When we grow old, Ming, I know that you will be a great companion. I still believe in my heart that even if you don’t see me as your lover now, in the end, we are destined partners in business and life. We have a son together. He needs us both.” She wiped a tear rolling down her cheek.
She also added, “It hurts, Ming, every time you lie. Every time you meet up with your lovers, it’s painful for me. But I have grown to love you, and I know deep inside that you care for me too. If you are willing, I want us to work it out.”
This woman is unbelievable. I have never met a person who is as selfless as her. She has to be an angel to be able to accept me for who I am and adjust even if I have wronged her. And yes, I may not be in love/lust with her, but as I said, I care for her. Maybe, there is something here, after all.
I Decided To Go Into LGBTQ Counseling
Donna M. White, LMHC, CACP said, “Recovering from an affair is not impossible, but it takes a lot of work. It takes commitment and a willingness to forgive and move forward.” These urges with other men will pass. I’m sure of it. But what we have, what I have with my wife can be a forever thing. I have to work on myself and control my sexual needs. My wrongdoings have hurt her, as she said, and I need to stop causing her pain. With this, I decided to go into LGBTQ Counseling. Hopefully, there is a bright future for me and us. I have to give us a chance at life and love.